


Colourless

by KazeChama



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Aftercare, BDSM, Domdrop really, Inner Demons, M/M, Subdrop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 19:07:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6206947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KazeChama/pseuds/KazeChama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen mumbles something after their scene and Bull doesn't like it one bit. Can be read as a stand-alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Colourless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thespectaclesofthor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespectaclesofthor/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Stuck on the Puzzle](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5269628) by [thespectaclesofthor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespectaclesofthor/pseuds/thespectaclesofthor). 



> Thanks for reading this tiny ficlet. Feedback is welcome <3

“ 'M so-rry,” says Cullen into the bedsheets.

“What's that?” Bull can't hear him, because Cullen speaks like his tongue is heavy and his focus is scattered all over the place. Bull being occupied by putting away his toys doesn't help matters. He ties his bag up and steps closer to Cullen. “What did you say?”

“I'm sorry,” says Cullen again and this time Bull hears him clearly. It's his mind that scatters now. Blood drains from his face, he's sure of it. The temperature around him drops. The scene went well and Bull doesn't see anything Cullen should be apologising for, which means now he's drowning because of some past issue relived now through a waking nightmare.

Bull sits next to Cullen on the bed and puts a hand over his head. Cullen sighs at the contact all pleased and tries to curl around Bull. He can't – of course – move much, because of the pain and blooming bruises on his back, but he tries anyway. A smile spreads on Cullen's face and he whispers again, “I'm sorry.”

Bull continues to pat his head until his mind connects the dots. Cullen is clearly still floating; he's choosing an apology to convey his thoughts. “What are you sorry for?”

Cullen is getting sleepy and Bull has to strain his ears to understand the words. “For not- giving you what you need.”

An involuntary laugh escapes Bull despite the cold he feels. He has to fight the urge to not turn that breathed laughter into something hysterical and out of control. “How would you know that I didn't get precisely what I wanted?”

Cullen doesn’t even open his eyes. It's a wonder he's still communicating at this point. Bull has a brief moment to be amazed at this before Cullen slowly speaks, “because you take care of me- and I… can't take care of you.”

His throat closes uncomfortably at this. He needs space but Cullen would take it personally if Bull were to suddenly walk away. He rests his hand on Cullen's biceps and turns his face away. Cullen will still feel him close by and will be grounded by the weight of his hand but Bull has the illusion of having the whole room to himself with Cullen out of his field of vision.

“Please, don't say you're sorry.” Bull is slipping badly. He knows this and can't do much about it.

“I'm sorry,” Cullen says a fourth time, but this time he adds,” I'm grateful for- what you do for me.”

He says it as if Bull flogging him and not thinking Cullen a monster for liking pain is such a great thing. Cullen wants to reassure Bull but all he does is manage to stir unpleasant thoughts about monsters.

Pointing to their arrangement as something special makes Bull feel like he's the monster here. Not for liking to dish out pain, no. Cullen said that he doesn't see him that way. He might have trouble accepting himself but he never showed a similar problem about accepting Bull.

The truth is not about Cullen's opinion of Bull. It's his opinion about himself that's the problem. Bull is hurting Cullen because he likes how Cullen takes it. He likes pushing Cullen so much, he can't stand upright because then Bull can- he can then focus his sole attention on Cullen. If he wouldn't be questioning his sanity right now, he'd laugh Cullen's comment off. But this way Cullen hits the wrong accords in him. He's a monster because he's doing this to take care of Cullen. If he nurses a broken, bruised person, it eats up all his attention and nothing is left to look at the hurting shards inside.

So, instead of falling apart, Bull turns back to Cullen, needing him as much as Cullen needs him now. He's floating and grabbing Bull's knee as an anchor. Bull shifts his hand to cover the much smaller one on his knee. That is when Cullen flinches. Bull remembered to not touch his back, but forgot this. Cullen's hands are rubbed raw from pressing them against the rough stone wall during the flogging.

“I'm sorry,” Cullen says as if Bull's mistake was his own, as if wincing was the wrong thing to do.

“I'll get a salve for your hands, stay here.” Bull knows that Cullen is in no condition to move, but he noticed before how much Cullen appreciates orders. He just hums in affirmative and clutches Bull's leg while Bull slowly drags the sack closer. It's hard to reach that far when Bull can't move his ass off the bed.

Elfroot. He had it somewhere. Cullen's hands require special attention because they are never in good shape to begin with. Cullen needs the fine motor skills to guide a quill or a blade with precision and it's Bull's job to make sure he doesn't lose those after a session.

A small part of Bull's mind is aware that rubbing the salve onto each cut only serves to distract Bull from his own troubles.

Anyone else might have apologised to guilt-trip Bull into taking care of them but this guy here struggles to let go of his sense of responsibility every waking moment. His subconscious is not trying to manipulate Bull. He doesn't have the presence of mind for that now. This is Cullen's true feelings.

Stripped of conscious thoughts and happy beyond caring, Cullen still feels like he disappointed Bull. He's a bother, as if his existence is useless without serving a greater course. Didn't he suffer so much just to get this far? Didn't he disobey important orders to end up tired of life and everything? Bull's thoughts drifted away from this room in Skyhold and towards a stormy beach without him noticing. The salve is applied without thinking. Cullen's painful whine brings him back.

Bull considers rubbing the salve over Cullen's back too, but he knows it would just be a distraction from the issue at hand. Issues really. One thing after another. He should address Cullen's twisted way of expressing gratitude some time soon, ideally with Cullen mentally present. His own demons, or rather himself becoming a demon – that he can't face now.

Bull closes the lid of the elfroot salve. He screws it tighter than necessary, to make sure nothing can escape. He puts the jar on the chest next to the bed, as far away from himself as he can without throwing it; then he turns his full attention back to Cullen.

“My little lion. When you want to say thank you, say 'Thank you' and not 'I'm sorry'.” Somehow tackling all of Cullen's problems seems always easier than addressing the one big problem Bull has.

“Thank you,” says Cullen and means it.


End file.
